Went into Maplin’s today to buy a new television aerial. Over the last few weeks, the picture on all channels have deteriorated as super human pigeons have vandalised, rearranged and – I swear – eaten through the existing aerial. Since every programme, from CBeebies to Newsnight looks like the same pixellated mess, I decided to invest in a new aerial. But it’s a dark art! Digital or analogue; on-board signal amp; Hi Gain or Low?
And of course it’s also a test of your virility, because a mere 48 elements won’t impress anyone. No, you need 92 elements, longer than the width of the house and resembling the Clifton Suspension Bridge bolted to your roof.
I controlled my excitement but still came back with a 71 element Hi Gain trophy. Armed with adjustable wrenches, wire cutters and a ladder, I climbed onto the roof and set about taking the old aerial down, only to find the ‘v-bolts’ (I’m fully jargoned up now!) were rusted, and sheared off as soon as I turned them.
Running out of expletives as I straddled my ridge tiles in what was now wind, rain and increasing darkness, I finally climbed down and tried to explain to the kids why Dad promised a better picture and more channels, but has ended up with no picture at all.
Should have called a man out in the first place – bloody aerials…